sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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