i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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