I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
