Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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