Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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