Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
