i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
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