you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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