my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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