Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
