I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
