Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
