i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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