i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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