Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
