Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
