WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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