i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
