It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My hand turned me down
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
