every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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