Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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