if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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