Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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