seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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