searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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