I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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