Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
