so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
