Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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