I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
