can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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