well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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