I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
