I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
