I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Duck Duck Cougar?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Randomize
