She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
All the doctor said was why
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
