I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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