I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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