I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
