I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
