Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
