I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
