I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
