I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
