He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair