if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake