we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
