I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
