Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar