you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............