So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.