pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
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STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.