Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
