the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's Friday. Sex?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
