What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
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I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
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You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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