you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
