Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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