Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
